It has been some time since I have last written. So much has happened since then... Moments change us, you know? It isn't the experience, but how we perceive the experience... and then what we choose to do.
I can't wallow for long. Whether in anger or hurt -- self pity or empathy. They all reflect only one perspective... keeping a person from moving on.
I have just completed another 12 credits -- toward a degree with no distinct aspiration. The education has done wonders for me. Certainly opens up new opportunities for growth.
My daughter ... She is a hero. No kidding. I am serious. One day most recently, I received a call from the school. The bus driver had a heart attack on the way to school. My daughter and a couple other girls stopped the bus, radioed for help and tended to the driver.
Yet, hero isn't all glory. My daughter was crushed. She cared about the driver... who died. I wonder what people experience before death and after death... My daughter did her best to comfort the man... though she is only 16. I hope her words helped the driver in some way... Perhaps knowing that the kids were safe? That help was on the way?
The driver was a very religious man. What is very religious? LOL. I believe he was spiritual. Sure... he attended services faithfully. But that merely reflects church served a purpose for him. However, this man always greeted the kids with a good morning and good night... He waited for each and every child to seat themselves on his bus... (and trust me -- my kids can cause the most patient man a challenge in their lackadaisical ways!) My heart goes out to this man. I hope my daughter helped him as much as she helped the kids on the bus and the nearby businesses.
Isn't it the craziest thing?? I don't know why I can't see things the way others do... The papers write of the lives that may have been affected -- the businesses that may have been affected... When I see the lives that were affected? Some days I wonder what makes me so different.
Of course, my daughter was thrust into seeing my way... She took responsibility for the driver. Graphic descriptions from a child... seeing a person dying in her arms. And then the teen -- praying that he would wait and die later. Poor sweet child.
I don't know what happened on the bus that morning... These children were blessed. No one knew they needed to react until the bus struck a mailbox. How can 3 kids have stopped a bus in moments?? Some things can't be explained... they are just good.
Funny how life can work the same way.
The time Rob and I were apart -- gave me time to spend with my kids... Time to reconnect and bond... I thought about this as I listened to the woman from the school telling me of the mornings events... My kids could have died that morning. A five minute bus ride to school... and they could have died that very morning. I was fortunate to not have to face such an ugly reality. I felt blessed that not only were my kids okay -- but also that I had taken advantage of the opportunities to love, support and nurture them... Such things are too easily forgotten in the chaotic world today.
My children weren't the only people... A friend of mine became very ill... Fearful he was losing his kidney. He is a transplant recipient. He too was forced to look at his life... Was he where he needed to be?? Had he lived according to his heart and soul?? He is doing better now. Imagine no one knows how much longer they have on this planet... Sure seems today is the best day to begin living.

I let go a few days ago… now time to discard.
With discard … there is rejection, abandonment and removal.
Sounds strong.
I need strength.
I will not look back.
The days of illusions are gone.
Disillusionment surfaces.
I must say, he had me good.
I felt loved and protected…
Geez.. he claimed to want to protect me from a meat salesman.
Damn him.
Probably only ego.
And somehow, I found this special or thoughtful.
Funny how different thoughts run through your mind during the quiet moments.
I wish they would leave for good.
I don’t wish to remember.
Discard.
None of it was real.
None of it became love.
Only a cruel façade…
Designed to fulfill a void.
How did I get myself into this?
Fears I imagine.
Fears of spending my remaining years alone
Fears of not realizing my dreams
Fears of knowing what would happen when I faced reality.
The fears were not useful.
Discard.
My thoughts..
Wander to…
A return to the ‘old days’
The pattern of survival
Work, home, meal, school, sleep
Humdrum humdrum
Boredom, loneliness, isolation
Followed by
Too many dates
Too many men
Too little feeling
Too little connection.
Discard.
Not sure how this will turn out.
Trying something new.
Plans to travel.
Had enough of this waiting…
Waiting for the right time
Waiting for the right moment
Waiting for the right one.
Discard waiting too.
Enough.
Just enough.
Broken heart.
Tattered dreams.
Shattered hope.
I’m done.
Moving on.
Discard all that was.
Create anew.

"A bright new day"
When I awoke this am, I thought I saw a sunny spring day. The light coming through my windows was brighter, happier, and warmer. I imagined new growth, new life was occurring outside the walls of this small loving humble home. I felt refreshed and energetic in ways I hadn't felt in quite some time. I must admit, I was slightly disappointed to realize a fresh snow had fallen on the frozen ground. Moreover, grey clouds continued to blanket the blue skies. So then, this feeling must have come from within... and that is good. Perhaps even better than a spring day.

Last evening I sent him an email. I extended an offer of support. I have not called or visited because I remain uncertain as to how much I want to become entangled within this situation once again. My feelings are scattered. In any case, I sent this email. I have to laugh... I also received a call last night. I have no idea who may have phoned. It was man... A man who spoke so softly that my son could barely hear the caller. I became concerned. Being out of contact, I had no idea what state my ex may have been in... After dodging the call (I hate being tied to a phone), I began to worry. I sent another email... Was that you? Are you ok?

This morning I learn it was not my ex that called. He must be doing okay as there was no mention of my offer for support. Perhaps this is merely a blessing in disguise. I have a great deal of work to do myself. I find it too easy to become distracted by others needs. Perhaps this is truly over. And that is okay.

All along, I have seen two sides... One side, which led me to believe I should remain hopeful and loving... waiting for him to discover what was real. The other side saw that the discovery may lead to friendship and that hanging on may only be prolonging the inevitable.

How do we ever know? Where do we draw the lines? When is the time right to pack up and move on? There are so many unanswered questions.

When this relationship first began, I doubted its survival. Yet... I did not leave it then. I think back and wonder why. Why did I choose to remain in a relationship with little hope? I knew he was a drinker... despite his claims of only drinking socially, I learned the truth within the first week or so of dating. I listened to his rationalizations and heard them for what they were... Yet, I remained. I chose to see his efforts rather than reality I guess. I wanted to believe his desire to change would lead into a completely new reality. Silly me. LOL. Isn't it true what they say... Never base a relationship on the belief that things will change when...??

It will be difficult. I imagine I will feel love for him that confuses me... pulls me toward a desire to return. Yet, to remain true to myself... I pray that I have the strength and ability to see clearly from here on out. This has not been fun. I dislike the flavor of judgment. In many ways, it seems judgment was necessary. Rather than hanging onto belief and hope... Judgments would have led me in another direction.

This seems to directly conflict in all I have believed. I honestly believe anyone can change... anyone can improve himself or herself. I don't care to lose this ideality. There is great strength in hope and faith and love. I imagine now that judgments may not be all bad. Perhaps if we are willing to re-evaluate frequently, judgments are not constricting or limiting? Perhaps then, they are helpful. They could have been helpful to me. I saw, but did not see.

This is a new day ... a new day of a new year. (smiles) Glad that nothing stays the same. I have made a couple new friends recently. Funny how life balances itself out. I thank all of you who have been replying to my blogs. It is good to know there are people who care and understand. It is also good to hear alternate perceptions. I am still seeking the balance... sometimes new ideas are enlightening and helpful.

For you.

I don’t know that this will ever be read… Or if so… when. I imagine all things happen for a reason… All coincidences occur at the right time.

We have spent a worthy portion of our lives together. We have seen and survived troublesome times. I have received as much in wisdom and support as I have offered myself.

It seems surreal that it is all at an end. Yet, at the same time, so very natural. I am not certain what the future holds. The contradictions themselves are inconclusive.

We both need time to explore… We both hurt inside for our own reasons. It seems wrong at times that we grapple alone… without the support and encouragement of the other. Yet, we did try this. It didn’t work.

For as much as we may desire to love and connect with one another, we are held back by our own fears. We bounce off each others fears. This led to some hurtful remarks. I evidenced the cutting side of you .. and then responded myself. All people have two sides. Your remarks – they hurt but not too badly. I know they came from the hurt you feel within. I spent years lashing out at the world. My cutting side sliced to the bone. I understand the need to push people back. So do know, the remarks are forgotten… forgiven long before we met. You need to know this because this is not an area to dwell on. Let it go. You are good. I am fine. You did what you needed to do at that moment. I know where the truth lies within your remarks .. and I know where the hurt stepped in.

The future. What does it hold? Hmm. Certainly opportunity. There was no continuation for us on this path. There could be no true love or loving connection because we were aware of the others obstacles. It seemed the risk was too great. There were many moments within our time together that I wished for you to concentrate on us with the same devotion you put into your job or yardwork. I wanted to connect. I believe you did also. It would not surprise me to learn that you saw similarities within my actions.

Why? Why did we connect in the ways we did? Certainly a learning and growth experience. In many ways we were quite opposite. You could see the darker side much more clearly than I. I could see the hope and potential much more clearly than you. You excelled in cooking… I chose carpentry. You chose order and tidiness while I chose to be lackadaisical. Yet, together there was a semblance of balance. We offset each other. We united in our fondness of simplicity, spirituality and elemental goodness. This has never happened for me before.

You say you don’t know if any of it matters. You don’t know … nor do I.

We all make choices … more often than we realize. At this moment, I too hold no certainties. I know what I capable of… I know that with each passing moment when I perceive a need for your warmth and comfort or reassurance I will choose to either pull away from you or find this was not an area in which I should be looking for support. It may be that I can find forgiveness… a renewal… Yet, it all depends on the motivation behind it all. Were you absent because you chose to hurt me? Were you absent because you needed to be? Intention determines it all. Throw in the element of time… We both have growing to be done. We may progress at different rates. One of may seek a relationship sooner than the other. Only time will tell. Who knows, perhaps when all is said and done… and we have learned and grown .. Perhaps we will find only a fondness for each other. Perhaps it was never love at all. This is not how I have chosen to see us. Yet, I am trying with a renewed effort to keep my eyes open. Fondness is what we have achieved. The spark and vitality died as our communication failed. We no longer reached for each other… Determined not to hurt… Sought independence, will and safety.

You mention pride. Pride is good… Yet under pride lies a need for reassurance… self doubt. Pride seems to reinforce all that you wish to be .. but are uncertain that you are… Pride seems to say I have doubts and insecurities here – you are stomping on my insecurities and I am not going to allow it. I have written of it before… But one more time… just for the record… You are good… Unaware of your goodness because you can’t see beyond what you deem as unacceptable within yourself. We all have a light and a dark side. Embrace all that you are… Accept yourself for who you are. I have seen you… all of you. Ohhh… Sure. I don’t know the details of all you see and feel and have experienced. I don’t need the details. Though at any time, if you would like to share some with me it would be a beautiful gift. At times I have sensed you choose not to reveal yourself because you fear my rejection. This is sad. I already know you. The opportunity to bring love and light to the details has not been granted me. Silly man. I do know you… and love you for who you are … because of who you are.

You brought sex into our conversation. As a means of hurting me… at least for the most part. Childhood sexual abuse is one of my demons. Yet, despite your words, I do believe your deeper desire was for me to open up. I don’t believe you truly see me as damaged. I as much said so in the email I sent you. I used these words only to make a point. We all have a past. Our past is what makes us real. If we can accept both our strengths and weaknesses… our past as it has molded us into an improved .. kinder, more sensitive person… Then we can accept ourselves.

I am still amidst this process… I can only share that which I have known… There are many things I have yet to discover. Life is a quest… seeking inner truths … delving into the realms of reality… experiencing the invisible influences … discovering our greatest soul potential. On this journey we can become lost… disoriented… disillusioned. We can stray from our path and find ourselves unhappy. We can find ourselves unsatisfied if we linger too long without growth. It is unnatural to become stagnant.

This brings to mind a dream I have been working to interpret. It was a short dream… I didn’t bother to get up and write it down. It seemed meaningless… assumed a noise must have awakened me and that is why I had awakened. I went back to sleep. Slept for several more hours. When I awakened, the dream remained with me. It was a dream of you and I. We were swimming in a pond. This pond was full of green gunk… seaweed stuff… Large patched floating on the surface throughout the entire pond. I remember thinking it was disgusting… and also thinking that you would be completely repulsed… Yet, we both swam… only briefly hesitating with the realization that the gunk was around us. We were willing to experience the touch of this gunk. Then a turtle was seen. We both stopped our swimming to observe the turtle. I awakened. – That was the dream. Stagnant reminded me of this dream.

Well, it seems I have used all of my free time. Not a bad thing. Today is the day I see the doctor. Not that this means anything to you. Yet it is an appointment that has been weighing on my mind over the last few months. I have often wondered if I am ready to die. What would I need to do to prepare if I weren’t ready? I think in light of recent changes… for you… you carry on… you are back on your path… and well, despite all.. I do love you. These words seldom cross my lips. Probably because they lost their meaning in my youth. I wish for my love to be felt. Expressed in love rather than word. Yet, I do realize this causes confusion and insecurity at times. Let this be my spoken word.

(smiles) As if I am going to die… Good chance not! LMAO. Seems it would be the ‘easy’ road!! Imagine I have many more experiences to encounter before my time has come. These blogs… Silly as they may be… Hold pieces of the heart and soul. Especially now. My love travels… May the light reach into the hearts of all and lift the spirit. See new hopes and new realities. Tune yourself in to the music and harmony of the universe… the invisible realm… the area where love and hope and faith reside. It is always there for all of us… we only need to reach for it.

I found an email this am. Prayers are heard... at least the ones that truly matter. So many times we pray for our own comforts... not realizing that at times we need uncomfortable experiences to grow. Yet, I had a prayer... That my ex would find a way to freedom. It seems he is going to seek some help. It seems some of my efforts may not have been in vain. Sometimes I wondered... Does love mean a thing? When you love with all you have... why shouldn't there be good of it? I needed to know good came of this. I don't need to continue this relationship... Though any loss leaves a temporary void. It is good to know help is being sought. I may not have played any role in this... But right now, I am hanging onto the belief that the love I sent encouraged him to reach for more... to reach for the assistance needed to grow and be free.

I have seen how my own sight has been clouded... Just as it is an acquired skill to read anothers eyes... it requires just as much effort and concentration to keep your own eyes open. My New Years Resolution... to take care of myself... to be more open and in tune... This covers a broad range of goals. Including eating healthier... but also living with each emotion... Being free. I have not been free... It was only an illusion. Created because I chose not to see all that was presented. Cannot pick and choose our realities...and be free.

This is a new year. It is off with a bang. Yet, cannot see this as anything I did not wish for.